Trailer Girl

If you've been reading recently, you'll know that i have to move out of my apartment with my boyfriend very soon. Finding a room mate has been luckless, finding a place i can afford on my own, even less luck. The more i think about renting a place, the more bitter i am about giving some one money for simply RENTING. Meaning at the end of the lease, i either get a higher rate to stay there, or nothing. So i'm tripping all over the place wondering how i'm going to handle this whole moving out thing.

Luck for me i have a brilliant father.
While out bonding over a punk rock show (NOFX) in our home town, we get on the topic of my future. First he suggests living on a boat, very like him, he made good points, and for a moment i considered it. His next suggestion was much better.

Buy a trailer and live in RV parks.

Why didn't i think of this?!
It's going to be just me.
I'm not certain where i want to live.
I don't have a roommate.
I don't like the idea of not owning anything i'm paying so much for.
I'll have my very own space.

Now of course there's downsides to being a trailer gypsy.
No real plumbing, uncertain internet connection, finding a laundry facility, tiny kitchen.
You know, loosing all the super kush features of living in a brick and moarter home.
I'd have to move often, but i can just tow my whole home away.
I'd still have to pay space fees.
There's downsides for sure.
The selling point for me is the freedom, and sense of pride knowing that i own where i live.

Hang up right now if finding a long term park.
I have a full time job i need to be close to, that's most of the point about me moving out.
I could stay at my parents forever, but it took me two and a half hours to get to work this morning from there.

The internet isn't wielding so many promising results, but after searching for just five minutes online, i see hope.
Travelers are kind of a secret society still. Looking at blogs from other travelers, i found that they too were highly discouraged by their internet findings. When it comes down to it, they had to break out the telephone book and drive around, asking questions and making deals.
Since this was my Dad's idea, i've got his support and help of this venture 100%. He's great at living off the internet, and i have a good feeling we'll end up finding a decent place to start/park.

I have my reservations about this adventure, but i feel more excited than anything.
I'll have to do a lot of work to make a trailer feel like home, but i'm enthralled by being able to do what ever i want to the space. Having never lived alone, i'll definitely be lonely, but i'm taking it as an opportunity to work on myself and my projects.

The more i think about this option, the more crazy it sounds. Then i realize, the only reason i wanted to rent in the first place, was because every one else was doing it...
What a better way to live entirely my own life, than by being independent of all my peers. I've never been one to exactly fit in.

This is going to be an interesting adventure.

Please Don't Go, I Need You Whole.

I'll admit, I didn't think my relationship with my boyfriend was in the best place when he left to visit Colorado. I didn't even get a kiss good bye, not because he left at 3AM, but because neither of us asked for a good bye the night before. I had recently been quite afraid that the relationship was falling apart. I felt like he was falling out of love with me, it was a terrible feeling. I wondered if he's decide he was done making the effort when he returned from visiting the school. When your other half is moving away from you, and you're not moving into the new place too, it's easy to feel like the geographic separation will be the end.

I cried a lot while he was away, tried not to send to much of my sadness to him, as i know he's overwhelmed with everything else involved in transferring schools, and moving to a new location where you have no one. I was super sad, reached out to many people, just tried to talk it out. It doesn't stop being hard. Talking to others helped me gain some new perspectives though.

I found light in the prospect of being independent, living on my own (with a room mate,) having "freedom" in not needing to let some one know where i'll be...they're small lights right now, faint and flickering down a long turbulent road. I need to get out of my head that where ever i'll be going, won't be as good as what i have now. Life is good right now, exceptional at times. Comfortable with my love.

When my dear came back, he was so full of love. I think he had some time to do some thinking about everything we're loosing together. It hit him hard, i could tell by the way he held me at night. All these emotions had begun to sink in.
He smothered me in love that weekend. I needed that.
From feeling like we're drifting apart, to the rise of first date feelings, i know i don't want this relationship to end. After living together, the distance is going to be interesting.

The thought of going to visit him makes my heart sing, i can see us together in his new place, laughing, cooking, cuddling, watching Gold Rush and eating on the ratty couch pillows.
It's painful because that bliss will be so limited. I'll still be working full time, and my visits will be short. I should take stock in Kleenex, because i'm going to be doing a lot of sobbing. I'm going to have to learn not to cry every time i'm at the airport. He needs me to be stronger than that.
I don't know that i'll ever be ready for this...

I really can't wait to get home tonight and wrap my arms around him, holding as tight as i can, squeezing and giving love. All i can do it make the best of the time we have left together. Everything it about to undergo and huge change, and i have a feeling it's not going to be this comfortable for quite some time. That's a kicker, when does this end? When will i get to continue my life with him? Our relationship isn't on hold, but i certainly won't be able to grow with him like i am now. And so stems the fear of him out growing me. He hasn't given me reason to worry about the idea of "us."
Weather the words are genuine or not, he's still told me that i'm "the one."

I'm not ready.

Test Run

This morning around the 3AM hour my boyfriend left to go to Colorado with his Dad, to visit his transfer school.
Waking up in bed alone was a strange feeling, i was a little upset I didn't hear him leave. I had a heavy moment of "you don't know what you've got, until it's gone" this morning...and this is just the test run. It's not as traumatic, because he'll be back before the end of the week. I'll have two, maybe three days of a quite house, but visiting my parents in between on Wednesday. Considering heading down Tuesday also, dependent on metal state and perceived independence. It's about 4 months until things start to shift. It won't be long before he starts looking for a place in Denver, deciding what possessions to put in storage, and trying to hang out as mush as possible, because he'll be leaving for school.

I feel like I should be freaking out more.
I also feel like i'm not making the best of my time.

Now his acceptance into this great school, his school of choice, and only school he applied to, is contingent upon him receiving a mark of 80% or better in all his classes this semester. He's fully capable of achieving those marks. If he doesn't that will also be very bitter sweet, yes he'd be here for a little longer, but it's also tailed by the frustration of being stuck on the path to his career yet another year. I'm not counting on him staying, and have started to think about my path after he's disembarked.

I have options, and local support. Compared to what my love is going to endure, my trials are nothing. He's being rushed into a new city, with no family. Some acquaintances near by, I'm sure he'll make friends quickly. I worry for him, and about him.

What if he falls in love with some one smarter...

Why Don't You Try Harder

All my life I've been an insistent advocate to try harder. To never be content with who you are, if you have the potential to do better. I believe every person on the planet has the ability to do better. While preaching my ways of personal advancement, i lost sight of what it meant to really improve on yourself.

Improving on yourself not only means that you enhance the skills you already know, it means more than simply picking up a new hobby or interest with in the scope of your current life. Improving on yourself also means stepping out of yourself, and learning something you generally have no interest in. A personal example, I have a heavy interest in all things art, visual, performing, mixed media, ect. I have little to no interest in basically anything academic as far as math, science, reading. After loosing memory last week, it's apparent that I need new unfamiliar skills and mental tasks to work my brain. Not because I'm suddenly inclined to become a worldly scholar, but because I feel that my life could benefit from being more aware. Improving, and being aware of my weaknesses is the first step to bettering myself. I'm wonderful in many ways, but now I see how I can be even more fantastic.

Having failed my first math based bring game this morning, I can tell this isn't going to be particularly easy. That's what I wanted, right? A challenge, a new task and obstacle to work my brain? I picture my brain, pink, veins, blob like, with creeping areas of gray matter slowing appearing below the surface. Playing those simple games, I see my blob of a brain growing tiny legs, jumping over and, falling over track hurdles; just like I jumped and fell over real track hurdles in high school, when I was trying to join a sports team. Perfect example of another time I was on a quest to better myself.

I will admit, i was very distraught yesterday.
Felt very simply.
Felt very low about my mind.

After i got over feeling sorry for myself, and convinced myself that I'm not loosing it, i had a total change in life perspective. Suddenly i understood the gap between conventional intelligent people, and conventional art people. The gap exists because so few of us have the desire to explore the unfamiliar, for fear of failing.

The only thing holding you back, is yourself.

-Kattatonic

Memory Blackouts

I was entirely too shaken by the sight of my deodorant in my purse today. Seeing so many girls in high school have sticks break in their purse, and embarrassingly fall out onto the floor, caused me to be a firm believe that deodorant is not a purse item.

Now tell me why my deodorant was in my purse this morning when I arrived at work.

I'll tell you why, because my head isn't here.
This deodorant discovery was just the latest in a recent string of strange behavior conducted unconsciously by myself. Where is my head, you might ask? Well, that's a very good question indeed, I wish I had an answer for you, as I'd like to know myself. I was quite upset this morning after finding that deodorant. I remembered using it, but why would I keep holing on to it, then put it in my already stuffed purse.

Earlier last week I tried to bring my yoga mat into the office on two separate occasions, with out realizing it. When packing for a ski trip, I entirely omitted the memory of having a brand new nice ski jacket, that I've worn every trip this season. I remember saying to myself how I needed a new jacket while packing, not recalling at all the one in the closet. When my boyfriend asked where my jacket was, I had a very serious conversation with him about how I don't have that jacket. That weekend I continued to show signs of short term memory loss, possibly not forming memories at all, according to my boyfriend. All those events leading up to Monday morning finding my deodorant, yes, now I was certainly concerned.

At 23 I should not be having such mental black outs. I feel like a crazy old lady. after talking to my boyfriend about it more, we agreed I need some mental exercise. He's a major math and science guy, and recommended doing some low level math problems. I'm not opposed to it, but it's most certainly not something I'd do on my own.
I'm so sad, angry, confused, scared, and frustrated with these recent events. It's a very strange feeling to think that your mind is degenerating at such a young age. I'm so aware of my body other wise, I exercise regularly, eat well, stay busy...why is this happening.

Now being so alert to my mental lack of function, I feel like I'm starting to get into my own head. In the worst way possible. If you tell yourself something enough, eventually you'll start to believe it as the truth. Trying very had to tell myself that I am in fact mentally sound. That kind of positivity is difficult to maintain when i feel like I'm loosing it, trying very hard to stop telling myself that i'm loosing memories, and having difficulty making new memories. It's terrifying feeling myself inside my own head, trying to make mental changes based on facts that aren't real. I feel like I can't trust myself, and that's a terrifying feeling.

Taking a few deep breaths at my desk today, scheduling some meditation for lunch, just trying to collects this mess so I can begin fixing the problem.

They told me getting old was going to be hard.

Kids at Daycare

When i approached my gym last night, I caught sight of a small girl bouncing a ball in the Daycare section of the facility...I've seem many a girls bounce balls, playing with their friends, but for some reason this one freaked me out tonight.
Seeing tiny humans, under developed, and learning basic skills to exist on the planet Earth, and interacting with other under developed tiny humans. Let's not forget the note about that tiny human having to be extruded from a human female's vagina, most likely on a hospital bed, with bright lights shining on her, and doctors and nurses in white coats...As a female, I'm expected to someday do the same.

Some day I am expected to create a life, with the assistance of a male, of course (right.)

Some day I am expected to produce a child, to delicate my life to the growth and well being of my own personal tiny human. She or he will carry my DNA, hopefully my personalty, maybe I can instill some of my values, and if I'm lucky, she or he will grow to be a successfully functioning party of a community.

Compared to animals, (I know we don't think of our selves as animals, but we are,) we spend an astonishing amount of time raising our young. Another animal that spends a significant time raising their young is the orangutan. Orangutans spend at least five years caring for their offspring, and wait at least 8 years in between pregnancies to ensure each child is getting all the attention and care they deserve....think about that for a second.
Now, do we have to spend an extend amount of time raising our youth, because we've created such a complicated life for the human species? That's a lost topic for most, because our intelligence is thought to far surpass "animals" such as the orangutan. What if they have the better life.

What if animals have the better life, because instead of trying to improve on nature, they allowed nature to improve their lives. Why has our development of the modern world been fighting what we were born into. Our species and every species on this planet was given all the supplies, nutrients, and landscapes needed to flourish. Why did we need to invent plastic?

No doubt I am equipped to raise a child in today's life, having been raised in it myself. I have a lot to learn, but don't we all. However, when and if I do pop out a baby, I will be sure to teach it the most basic and primal skills required to survive.

-Nutrition: A scene of what food is effective in promoting growth and energy in the body, and what is ineffective in helping him or her grow.

-Exercise: How to make the body strong, how to build a muscle. How to pay attention to the way we move, and make clear that we are capable of extraordinary strength and physical skill.

-Self Care: The idea of listening to your body, knowing when to feed it, what to feed it, getting all the vital nutrients to nurture a strong and healthy body. Knowing when something is painful, and when to stop pushing. The importance of sleep.

-Mindfulness: Realizing that nothing disappears on this planet. Teaching to reduce your unnatural impact on the Earth, and care for the mother of our species. Show her respect, and show yourself respect, to live in a harmonious manner. Checking in with one's mind, and allowing yourself to be present.

-Perseverance: The idea that you are capable. The ability to overcome mental blocks, realizing that what's stopping you is often only mental. The idea of looking at your situation in black and white, identifying what's difficult, and how you can over come and move past obstacles in the pursuit of betting yourself.

-Compassion: An awareness that we are all human, and we should support each other in our individual quest for happiness. That we all have emotions, and that a little kind gesture can go a long way. The ability to make friends, and form meaningful relationships with people. The ability to care for those close to you, and think about others.

Granted this is not a final list of ideas I wish to pass on, this is a general scene of who I want my child to be. I'd love for them to be like me. I'm proud of myself, and what my parents made of me, and what I've made of myself.

All that being said, I'm terrified of being responsible for a life.


Live Well,
-Kattatonic

The Death of Mr. Fish

It's been about three weeks since I cooked by beloved beta fish Toki. I arrived at work to find his new tank heated to over 90 degrees. Toki hanging on to his dear fish life, propped up against the thermometer. I like to think that he could read the thermometer, that he knew it was 90-something, and that he wasn't going to give up until it reached 100.

After I dropped the temperature, he seemed to be recovering. For the next two weeks, he seemed to be making a come back from the fish fry. He was disabled, couldn't swim well, and often drifted vertically, but still retained his personality. I was accepting of having a disabled fish.

The third Monday came, and i noticed him starting to weaken.
The third Tuesday came, and he could not swim up to get food.
The third Wednesday came, and he was laying sideways at the bottom of the tank.

I tried to scoop him up, i thought it was time.
Then he swam away from me. I can't flush him if he's living.
But what if he was suffering?
Did he want to hang on?

I made the decision to move him into fish hospice. A smaller bowl with water from his tank, so he had a better chance at eating, and no longer had to fight the flow of the water filter. He lied down sideways at the bottom of the hospice bowl, i hoped he would find the light soon, but had heard stories of fish doing this for months. Hanging on, but barely alive.

The third Thursday came, St. Patrick's Day, and Toki had passed during the night.
His eyes dark, they looked closed, even though fish don't have eyelids. I picked up the hospice bowl and walked him downstairs where i Snap Chatted his funeral.

I've been looking for the lesson in this experience. Maybe it was just to familiarize myself with death as an adult. I took many steps to improve the life of my fishy friend. He started out in a 1 gallon bowl, with no filter and no heat. I did extensive research online learning to properly care for the beta fish. I had moved him into a new two gallon tank, complete with filter and heater. He was thriving.

I was so proud when he began to change colors. I had read about it online, but my fish was living in such poor conditions previously, he had always been a dull blue. After switching tanks he began to gain more personality, and his fins and head with subtlety highlighted with deep red.

The death of Toki was a heater that malfunctioned.  I bought a heater special made for beta fish. It wad a beta heating pad, to be covered with gravel. It worked fine the first few days, then cooked my fish to near death. You can imagine how terrible i felt. He had come so far.

Toki the fish will be missed. I sit at my desk staring at an empty tank. I will move on, and welcome a new fish into my life, but for the rest of this week i will fondly remember my aquatic companion.

Rest in Peace Toki