Memory Blackouts

I was entirely too shaken by the sight of my deodorant in my purse today. Seeing so many girls in high school have sticks break in their purse, and embarrassingly fall out onto the floor, caused me to be a firm believe that deodorant is not a purse item.

Now tell me why my deodorant was in my purse this morning when I arrived at work.

I'll tell you why, because my head isn't here.
This deodorant discovery was just the latest in a recent string of strange behavior conducted unconsciously by myself. Where is my head, you might ask? Well, that's a very good question indeed, I wish I had an answer for you, as I'd like to know myself. I was quite upset this morning after finding that deodorant. I remembered using it, but why would I keep holing on to it, then put it in my already stuffed purse.

Earlier last week I tried to bring my yoga mat into the office on two separate occasions, with out realizing it. When packing for a ski trip, I entirely omitted the memory of having a brand new nice ski jacket, that I've worn every trip this season. I remember saying to myself how I needed a new jacket while packing, not recalling at all the one in the closet. When my boyfriend asked where my jacket was, I had a very serious conversation with him about how I don't have that jacket. That weekend I continued to show signs of short term memory loss, possibly not forming memories at all, according to my boyfriend. All those events leading up to Monday morning finding my deodorant, yes, now I was certainly concerned.

At 23 I should not be having such mental black outs. I feel like a crazy old lady. after talking to my boyfriend about it more, we agreed I need some mental exercise. He's a major math and science guy, and recommended doing some low level math problems. I'm not opposed to it, but it's most certainly not something I'd do on my own.
I'm so sad, angry, confused, scared, and frustrated with these recent events. It's a very strange feeling to think that your mind is degenerating at such a young age. I'm so aware of my body other wise, I exercise regularly, eat well, stay busy...why is this happening.

Now being so alert to my mental lack of function, I feel like I'm starting to get into my own head. In the worst way possible. If you tell yourself something enough, eventually you'll start to believe it as the truth. Trying very had to tell myself that I am in fact mentally sound. That kind of positivity is difficult to maintain when i feel like I'm loosing it, trying very hard to stop telling myself that i'm loosing memories, and having difficulty making new memories. It's terrifying feeling myself inside my own head, trying to make mental changes based on facts that aren't real. I feel like I can't trust myself, and that's a terrifying feeling.

Taking a few deep breaths at my desk today, scheduling some meditation for lunch, just trying to collects this mess so I can begin fixing the problem.

They told me getting old was going to be hard.