I'll admit, I didn't think my relationship with my boyfriend was in the best place when he left to visit Colorado. I didn't even get a kiss good bye, not because he left at 3AM, but because neither of us asked for a good bye the night before. I had recently been quite afraid that the relationship was falling apart. I felt like he was falling out of love with me, it was a terrible feeling. I wondered if he's decide he was done making the effort when he returned from visiting the school. When your other half is moving away from you, and you're not moving into the new place too, it's easy to feel like the geographic separation will be the end.
I cried a lot while he was away, tried not to send to much of my sadness to him, as i know he's overwhelmed with everything else involved in transferring schools, and moving to a new location where you have no one. I was super sad, reached out to many people, just tried to talk it out. It doesn't stop being hard. Talking to others helped me gain some new perspectives though.
I found light in the prospect of being independent, living on my own (with a room mate,) having "freedom" in not needing to let some one know where i'll be...they're small lights right now, faint and flickering down a long turbulent road. I need to get out of my head that where ever i'll be going, won't be as good as what i have now. Life is good right now, exceptional at times. Comfortable with my love.
When my dear came back, he was so full of love. I think he had some time to do some thinking about everything we're loosing together. It hit him hard, i could tell by the way he held me at night. All these emotions had begun to sink in.
He smothered me in love that weekend. I needed that.
From feeling like we're drifting apart, to the rise of first date feelings, i know i don't want this relationship to end. After living together, the distance is going to be interesting.
The thought of going to visit him makes my heart sing, i can see us together in his new place, laughing, cooking, cuddling, watching Gold Rush and eating on the ratty couch pillows.
It's painful because that bliss will be so limited. I'll still be working full time, and my visits will be short. I should take stock in Kleenex, because i'm going to be doing a lot of sobbing. I'm going to have to learn not to cry every time i'm at the airport. He needs me to be stronger than that.
I don't know that i'll ever be ready for this...
I really can't wait to get home tonight and wrap my arms around him, holding as tight as i can, squeezing and giving love. All i can do it make the best of the time we have left together. Everything it about to undergo and huge change, and i have a feeling it's not going to be this comfortable for quite some time. That's a kicker, when does this end? When will i get to continue my life with him? Our relationship isn't on hold, but i certainly won't be able to grow with him like i am now. And so stems the fear of him out growing me. He hasn't given me reason to worry about the idea of "us."
Weather the words are genuine or not, he's still told me that i'm "the one."
I'm not ready.
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